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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> tonight the still persecuted minority, don't worry brown people, we'll get back to you. >> then is a candidate's hobby fair game for campaign attacks. well, romney's hobby is campaigning. and my guest former astronaut mark kelley has written a new children's book. good night moon program. it's columbus day, don't another get to infect an indian. -- to infect an indian. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause)
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captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) i think you can tell by the energy energy in this room we get it on most every night. (cheers and applause) welcome, welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation, i am still glowing
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from last week's runnaway debate victory for mitt romney. he's got the mitt-mentum. the mo-mitt-num. the rom-nentum. there's still no word for it, it's never existed before. he got a bump in the polls. campaign donations are rolling in. it's all good news! >> a september jobs report with the unemployment number now down to 7.8%, the lowest rate since the president took office. >> stephen: except for any news that is actually good. (laughter) folks, this .3% drop in the unemployment rate seems just a little too barely better than true. >> maybe it's a coincidence. >> a month before the election we have a number that comes out 1/10 below when the president took office. >> i'm not a huge conspiracy theorist but i will go with jack welch. >> how convenient the rate drops below 8% for the first
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time in 43 months five weeks before an election. >> right back to where it was january 2009. >> the headline right now. >> coinkidink. >> stephen: folks, this is more than a coinkidink, it is a full pledge-- fledge conspiraa-dinki-doink. and the head of hufflepuff is right. oh, how convenient, quick someone alert the accountant. she will get to the bottom of this or downtown hanny will feel her [bleep] (applause) mary poppins! now folks we all know the bureau of labor statistics are cooking the books for their buddy obama. of course they vow there's no conspiracy claims before the number is ever released there is an eight day security lockdown during which confidentiality agreements are signed each morning and computers are
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encrypted and data locked into a safe every time one of the analysts goes even to the bathroom. but that doesn't mean they're releasing all the numbers. when those analyst goes to the bathroom is it number one or number two. america needs to know! and folks, this thing is too big for the bureau of labor statistics to have done it all alone. it has to go all the way up to the bottom. think about it. last month 114,000 unemployed moochers. the president's natural allies, suddenly yank the government teat out of their mouths, get off the couch for 40 hours a week, why? i say follow the money because i found out that right around the time those people got those jobs, they started getting paid. (laughter) and just where does that money come from?
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right out of the pockets of the job create evers. how's that for your socialist redistribution of wealth. folks, it's called class warfare, and the president loves it. it's all laid out in a new recent new yorker article. now i try hard not to read "the new yorker", because i never win their cartoon caption contest. that couple sleeping in the graveyard, thanks a lot, gay marriage. never. the last week i made an exception because "the new yorker" had a great piece of a new vilified underclass. the rich. and the signs of this oppression are everywhere, folks. for instance, in the post crass stock market recovery the top 1% of earners only got 93% of the gains. what happened to that other 7%, mr. president? did it go for birth control for the muslim brotherhood? solyndra stock option for
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the black panthers? where? obama's blatant discrimination against wall street has created a crisis. and that crisis is the subject of tonight's word. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's not easy having green. folks, last year the top 500 c.e.o.s earned $5.2 billion. the wealthy are paying their lowest tax rates since the 1950s and last week the dow closed at its highest level in five years. america's superrich are having a good decade. but folks-- they can't enjoy it because barack obama has hurt their feelings. one fund, one fund manager said the president showed disdain for the rich. while another accused him of bullying. and a third said becausers who still support obama are like battered wives. yes. these billionaires are like
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battered wives. they should really go to a shell ter. well, folks, the wealthy have had it. the wealthy will now fighting back with their leader, hedge fund founder will object cooperman who has been described as the pope of this movement well, pope isn't really fair. he has more goals than the vat began-- vatican. as we speak tom hanks is searching for clues in his basement. (laughter) according to the article in "the new yorker", cooperman launched his crusade after hearing these hateful words. >> if you are's-- if you are a wealthy c.e.o. or hedge fund manager in america right now, your taxes are lower than they have ever been. they're lower than they have been since the 1950s. and you can afford it.
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you'll still be able to ride on your corporate jet. will you just have to pay a little more. >> stephen: pay more. for my private jet? why not just make me take the shin-wu chinatown bus. (cheers and applause) or worse, delta. either way your chicken rides for free. now cooperman knows-- cooperman knows that statement by the president is quote a declaration of class warfare saying obama is, quote, not totally different from adolf hitler in germany. yes, in some ways very similar. you see, cooperman has only one demand. he would be willing to pay higher taxes if he was treated with respect. and you know what they say about respect, if you have
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to ask, you deserve it. but the president seems unwilling to give them that respect, but i am. to soothe the wounded spirit of our job creators, i have created the official stephen colbert certificate of richness. it proclaims-- (applause) it proclaims that the hold holder of this document has amassed inconceivable wealth that he truly deserves and more importantly, someone likes him. available for one million dollars on which i will pay taxes if i am shown respect. and folks-- (laughter) >> right now this movement doesn't have an official name. so i am also forming a new political party to give billionaires the respect they deserve. i call it the protecting
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industry titans and yachtsman party or pitty party. so percent kulted rich, join-- persecuted rich, join the pitty party because obama might be re-elected. and if he's willing to say that he wants to go after wall street in his first term, there's a chance he might actually do something in his second. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, welcome back, everybody. nation, no matter who wins the presidency this november, election day will have dramatic consequences for the true center of american power. state legislatures. because in 2012 state house and senate campaigns are seeing more action than albanians who [bleep] with liam neeson. need proof? look no further than arkansas where billionaire brothers charles and david koch have pledged to spend nearly $1 million on republicans in both houses of the arkansas legislature. to put that in perspective, the entire state of arkansas has never contained more than 200 dollars.
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and state spending fever has also hit maine, the arkansas of new england. where sophisticated opposition research has exposed one democrat candidate secret double life. >> in real life coleven is a democratic social worker. she is running for state senate in maine and likes this popular game called world of war craft. on-line she is santa yaga, high level quote ork assassination rogue with green skin and a mohawk. maine's state republican party has noticed this and they are now attacking her. >> stephen: now look, i don't see race. not even on-line. people tell me colleen is an ork and i believe them because seeing is glowing. but folks, we are judged by our choices. be they in this world or on the cataclysm touched
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continents of azaroc and i know all too well the dire consequence of moral compromise in a fantasy setting. my dnd character was a temp level pal addin and when i got the power armour from the expedition of the barrier peaks and used it to melt the face of the leader of that merchant car-- caravan i new the god was take away my abilities because i was lawful good and my choice to attack that caravan was chaotic neutral at best. if i ever-- (cheers and applause) >> if i ever run for office i know that will come back to haunt me. the point is maine simply cannot afford to have a level 85 organizish assassin riding her albino drake through the senate chambers and intimidating colleagues with her gilnean ring of ruination with its 286 point salomon she can withstand even the longest filibuster. unfortunately, republican
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opposition research on colleen's game plane goes back only 7 years. so just a little more of my own and i have learned a few disturbing facts. when colleen was in high school she attempted to mount an invasion of north africa from brazil. not only that, she is a ruthless hotel investor with no respect for anti-trust laws. as well as an unlicensed surgeon responsible for hundreds of botched wish bone removals. so do the right thing, maine, and defeat this dangerous assassin. because in this country, we believe that if you are's good at killing people over the internet, you should not be holding public office, you should be flying a drone. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a former astronaut whose new children's book is titled mousetronaut. i think is about a before who becomes a fireman. please welcome mark kelly. (cheers and applause) hey, mark, good to see you again.
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sit down. >> thank you. >> all right. a we are friend it, well-known to my viewers. were a navy captain. >> yes. >> stephen: you commanded the final mission of the spatialcious ellen defer. you flew 39 combat missions, the first iraq war. you're also the husband of gabbie giffords. how is she doing? >> she is doing great. we recently moved back to tucson, arizona so she's very happy to get back to her hometown. >> stephen: loved seeing her at dnc. as a guy who is an astronaut who has flown the shuttle four time its and had 39 combat missions, did you ever think you'd be the second most heroic person in your marriage? >> no. well, i always knew she would be the most heroic. i mean she is just special, special person. >> stephen: now when you were still flying as be astronaut, gabby was a chair of the space andary naught eck subcommittee. >> she was. >> did she ever say you have
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taken out the garbage yet and you shoot back like, have you okayed our funding yet? >> well, no, i would actually ask her for more money for nasa frequently. but no, she never gave it to us. but i did ask. >> stephen: that's tough. okay. now you as i said you flew the last shuttle mission. but also something more important than that, about a year before that you trained me how to be an astronaut. we got in right there as you can see. we got into the cockpit of the shuttle and i landed that bad boy, did i not. >> you did. i got to tell you. >> did i impress you. >> you did a fantastic job. i was very surprised. (laughter) >> stephen: surprised that i did a good job or that anyone would be that good. >> maybe it was anybody. >> stephen: anybody would that be good. here's my bone to pick with you, sir. i was looking for a backup position if this job ever falls through and that entire occupation disappeared one year later.
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>> it didn't disappear. >> stephen: there is no shuttle pilot any more. >> well, that's true. there is no space shuttle any more but we are, nasa is looking for new astronauts. i think you should reconsider your application. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: but listen, i hear your call to greatness, don't get me wrong but aren't we just hitching rirds with the ruskies right now. >> we are, it is unfortunate, $50 million a seat. >> stephen: $50 million. >> it is not a good position to be in but we've got really some good companies out there, a company like space x just launched yesterday. >> stephen: they're up there right now going around. >> heading to the space station, unfortunately there are no people on board but they will get there. i'm really confident, give them four or five years and we'll be back in that business. >> stephen: what is the deal since you were the last shuttle commander to pull away from the international space station, what did you turn to the russians sand say suck my sputnik, what did you-- did you drop a bottle of tang and go u.s. --
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>> bottle of vodka bz. >> stephen: bottle of vodka. okay. now you have done all these heroic things but its most heroic thing possibly is you have entered publishing. you have a new book called mousetronaut and it's adorable. but it's also based on a true story, isn't it? >> it is. >> stephen: tell the people where the story came from. >> on my first space shuttle flight we will 18 mice on board. >> stephen: on purse. >> on purpose. they didn't climb up the rope so we had 18 on board and 17 of them really did not like this experience. they were latched on to the inside of the cage with their little mouse toes and fingers. but one of them seemed to really get it. he would fly over and drink his water and fly over and eat his food. >> stephen: really. >> occasionally he would do a flip and that's what that book is based on is that little guy. >> stephen: did you take z you learn any lessons from the mouse. who was more comfortable in
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space, you or that mouse. >> i was in charge of the mouse. but i did learn-- . >> stephen: really, you were in charge of the mouse. >> that was one of my small jobs. >> stephen: wow. >> i was the pilot/animal handler. >> stephen: what were you hoping to learn from the mice in space is this one of the things where it doesn't end well for the mice or -- >> let me just say when i got off the space shuttle he was doing just fine. he was doing okay. so didon't know what hatched. >> stephen: he was fine when i left the party. i don't know what happened. when you were up there, i got a treadmill newspaper space. show the treadmill there. this is the colbert treadmill. it is the combined operational load bearing external resistance treadmill. okay. did you ever use my treadmill when you were up there. >> no, a year ago i think i may have broken it. >> stephen: seriously. >> maybe. no i don't know. i think it's probably been fixed. >> stephen: sure, sure, i'm sure the mouse is fine too. well, mark kelly, thank you
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so much for joining me. the book is mousetronaut. give your kid something to shoot for. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, before we go i am proud to announce the latest edition to the cold better report family, beatrice helen, born to my writer mike and his wife camille on monday. remember, mike, since this is your second child, you get half as much patent leave. because you already know how to be a father. third through 7th kids must be delivered at the office, check your contract. and what did he do

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central October 8, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

Mark Kelly News/Business. Mark Kelly. (2012) Author Mark Kelly. New. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY Stephen 6, Cooperman 5, Maine 5, Obama 3, Arkansas 3, America 3, Colleen 3, Mark Kelly 2, Romney 2, Mike 2, Us 2, Nasa 2, Chinatown 1, Coinkidink 1, Columbus 1, New England 1, Germany 1, Vodka 1, Vatican 1, Delta 1
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Duration 00:30:00
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